Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Stupid sickly sicks

Sick kids are stupid. I hate them. Even the ones that I have grown inside of me for 9 months (give or take). In fact, those are the worst because I have taught them better than that. Or not. Whatever. You know who is even worse? Sick adults, specifically the one I married a few weeks back. The moaning and the needing and the drippy noses and the helplessness. How annoying. And it's usually those sick big people that infect the little ones who are even more sad than their larger counterparts.

J has been sick for the last few days. He's been hopped up on the Walgreens brand cold medicine and those nasty throat drops. My hippie-ness has forced him to drink tea spiked with homeopathic tincture that some earth woman made using vodka and some flowers in her basement. I even cleaned most of the house the other day while he sat on the couch with the kids. It's nothing life threatening and I'm pretty sure he's going to make it, but look at what he's caused in the meantime.

Eli went to the doctor last night or, as I tend to call it, the vet (I get a free pass with this one because, before I was entrusted with the care and safety of baby humans, I had a lot of pets.) He's been randomly screaming at night and having a hard time sleeping, having these insane meltdowns that involve a lot of hand flailing and object throwing during the day, he hasn't been shoveling food down his maw like he usually does and he's just generally been a total pain in the ass.

Diagnosis toddler who happens to also have a sore throat which is probably going to morph into a giant cold demon which means I get to catch the endless boogers with my bare hands and try to figure out a way to get him to sleep without wanting to knife me.

To be fair, I am the WORST sick person ever. If I had to deal with myself with a cold, I would never speak to me again. In fact, I'd probably myself in a closet, toss in a pack of Dayquil and then push a dresser in front of the door so I couldn't get out. Get me grilled cheese no soup no popcorn I AM SO HUNGRY! I need tissues! My stomach/nose/head/face/body/toes hurt! I want to watch tv and I don't care that we don't have cable anymore FIND ME A TV NOWWWWW. Get these dogs off of me! Bring the dogs back! My blanket is too cold! See? I'm an asshole when I'm sick.

Don't tell anyone, but my throat is killing me right now.

(Oh, and ps, for those of you who think I'm some mean person who shouldn't have kids, come on now, I'm not being THAT serious here.)


  1. Sick kids are awful. And over-rated. I'm so tired of boogers and night time coughing coming over the monitor and CONSTANT. WHINING. 24. 7.
    But seriously, you're a mean person who shouldn't have kids. I feel sorry for your husband. (pfft)

  2. forgot about how you tell anyone who will listen that being a sick diabetic is soooooooo much more horrible/lifethreatening/difficult. I do that a lot. My husband is like, "check your ketones and shut the fuck up."

    1. Or, "I feel blood sugar is low. I'm going to go sleep it off. Bye." I do that a lot.