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Sunday, October 7, 2012

No more slobs challenge

Being fat is a weird thing. On one hand, I'm not the only person in the world to ever need to lose weight, so it's not like I'm some oddity when I go out in public. I wake up looking the same as I did the night before, my clothes fit the same and everyone knows what to expect when they see me. Sure I'd like to change, but I feel like there are a bunch of other things going on in my life that are not only more important, but define me much better and more accurately than what number jumps up when I step on the scale.

But, on the other hand, it's not like I love looking the way that I do. I can list a few reasons why it's harder for me than the average person to lose the weight but, let's be honest here, I enjoy a good nap and a good burger and a good lazy day way more than I do running in place. And I still have a hard time when I post a picture of myself online, even when I'm only showing it to the people I consider my friends. You know, the people who have more than likely seen me in person and who definitely have seen pictures of me before. Still, it's tough for me to swallow (har har) that I am looking at myself, that I'm not tiny and that hell, I'm not even large, I'm more pushing the x-large side of things. I saw pictures of me when I got married and I had that one side of me saying, Fuck yeah! I got married! I love that guy more than any other guy ever and he's the best person in the whole world! And my friends and their perfect little kidchops were there with us! And my dress was AWESOME! But there was also that other part of me who didn't want anyone to see me because HELLO, my arms are huge and it looks like I've grown another chin since I popped out this second kid less than six months ago.

So when my buddy Jayne over at The Naptown Organizer put forth her Moms, Let's Not Look Like Sleep Deprived Trolls Any Longer! challenge last week, I was all for it. And then that first day came and I got ready and really was comfortable and felt good, but then I saw the pictures of what I looked like at the end of the day and I cringed. People of the Internet, total strangers and friends alike, were going to see these. And I look like I swallowed my old self and the result was a total disaster. No matter how I felt each day, that picture would happen when I got home and it would knock me back a few steps.

I know I'm being silly. I know that yeah, part of the reason I look the way that I do is because I'm lazy more often than not, I've had two kids in less than two years and I wasn't really responsible the first time around and, even though I eat fairly healthy for the average person, it really doesn't matter. There is no perfect combination of excuses out there that is going to change what I look like, but I need to stop being such an asshole with myself. This is what I look like now and I can either be OK in my skin or I can spend each day hating myself. And I am choosing to be OK with what I'm working with. I have so many other things in my life that I am proud of, things I love with a passion, people I would jump in front of an oncoming train for who make me so so happy that really, the size of my clothes is just so insignificant compared to all of that. And so that is the one thing I learned through all of this. I'm not the most confident person in the world when it comes to my looks, but I'm pretty awesome in a million other ways. And I can rock a mean cardigan and flats combo, amiright?


Another thing I learned? That, contrary to what these pictures would tell you, I own more than two pairs of pants. Promise.

4 comments:

  1. I think you're a hottie. But I totally get where you're coming from.

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  2. I think you are an absolutely beautiful woman, not that it matters. I struggled a lot with this as well, but I am not as strong as you and was thus unable to participate in this challenge. I just can't handle looking at pictures of myself trying to look less heinous. I'm not there, emotionally. Plus, my blog is more anonymous, so I don't post pictures of myself anyway :-P

    My favorite look of yours, btw, is that red top with the mustard cardi. Really lovely!

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  3. Dude, no. You're gorgeous, and you have more style in your pinky than I do in my entire closet. I get NERVOUS when I'm going to see you because you > me. (Not like baz-nervous-poops but nervous just the same. Do you know this story? It's my favorite of hers.)
    Anyway, I want your brownish-cognac flats AND what are those red flats/where did you get them? Also, mustard cardigan. Enough said. /endbeingagirl

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  4. Lady, you totally rock the cardi-flats combo! I hear you. It's really hard for me not to be a downer. Thanks for the reminder to be kind to myself!

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