Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Today and tomorrow

I know I have said that my days have become a blur recently, my head foggy on occasion and my body craving sleep from the minute that I wake up. I could blame it on the shorter days, the cooler weather, life dying and swirling around me in that predictable way that it always does this time of the year. But, truth be told, I can't place my finger on it. 


I don't miss the heat or that air that knocks you in the chest and makes you run back indoors. The chill this time of year is comforting, especially at night when I feel like I'm breaking some kind of law by having the bedroom window open with the heat turned on, while I bury myself deeper under an endless sea of blankets. The days could be shorter, the nights longer, it really doesn't matter to me because I will always have the same amount of hours in a day. Hours are hours, months are months and seasons are seasons, I keep living and breathing and loving the same today as I did yesterday. But still, there is something different. Something that I just can't put my finger on no matter how hard I try. 


What is different from days of the past is that I am content. Happy, even. I seem to always feel this way nowadays, my brain and heart can push past the bad every single time. And I don't mean the kind of gross overabundance of smiles and laughs that are still covering the underlying bullshit we all have somewhere beneath us. But, whereas in the past the fog wouldn't lift for weeks and weeks, I feel it opening its eyes, peek around for a bit and then get bored. Each time I'm stunned that it hasn't come back for a long stay like it used to.

And maybe that's what this is all about. I started living in a new and different way without even realizing it. I move forward but my mind doesn't hold my body back as it always has. I still have bits of my old life coming back, those moments that I feel dizzy and tired, but they aren't keeping me down anymore. 

1 comment:

  1. Being happy hardly sucks. Also, you need to have a long talk with my boy Sam about this growing up thing. He needs to remain an infant at least until the next time we hang out, at a minimum.