Sunday, November 11, 2012

December 2010

Twenty three months ago yesterday, I was being sent into the OR to have an emergency c-section, four weeks before my due date. My blood pressure had finally reached its limit after being on bed rest and my stubborn baby was still sitting butt-down in my uterus. A nurse hugged me tightly because my body wouldn't calm down enough for the needle to be safely pressed into my back and John Mayer was playing on the radio. They brought J in and, even after being warned by friends, he naturally looked at me on the table, all cut open with pieces of me hanging out on a table next to my body. They pulled a tiny little version of Eli from me, he cried and it really was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard.

I spent the rest of the day in a haze of magnesium sulfate, pain killers and the stench of my own vomit in my nose. The most unimaginable amounts of it kept coming out of me because of the drugs I was on for my blood pressure, I remember being given a tiny little pan that was the shape of a kidney bean, the expectation was that it could hold what I was producing. Instead, I ended up getting more all over myself and my bed than anything else.

The next day a huge blizzard came, exactly twenty three months ago today. Google tells me seventeen inches of snow moved into this city that day. The hospital became a ghost town as I watched the world inside my room become a more contained version of what my life had now become. A baby screaming, sleep deprivation kicking in and never being able to get comfortable enough when I was given the opportunity to sleep. Nurse checks every hour, endless pills, blood drawn so often that the tape they used afterwards ripped the skin off of my arm. And that baby, that little beautiful peanut of a person, he seemed to be as irritated as I was at the entire set up.

We went home, driving through the streets that were clean and empty the day I arrived, now with piles and piles of snow everywhere. I sat in the backseat next to the little man I helped to create, with my blood sugar incredibly low and the intense feeling of fear taking over my entire world.

But we made it. Those first weeks, months, year are a total blur. I look back on pictures from one year ago and it's like I'm taking a glimpse into the life of someone else. My lanky toddler, the kid who can correctly identify every Sesame Street character, who knows the alphabet, thinks most colors are purple and who is still the worst sleeper in the universe, he used to look that that? There was a time when he couldn't run laps around the living room and break into the refrigerator to eat leftover spaghetti? You mean he used to just be a blob? No way. But here we are, 29 days until my first child turns two. TWO. 

It's pretty amazing, actually.


  1. Hi new reader and follower! Your such a beautiful writer! and your son is so adorable! It's so amazing how quickly they grow and how fast they change from tiny, sleepy, newborn baby to their own little person.

  2. Yeah, I might have a meltdown on his birthday. I can't believe this is so close.